The thing is – I’m pretty calm right now. I was even relatively calm when I came back from the pharmacy the other day and saw that Gabe had rigged up some ropes on the porch. He and Yosef decided it was a good idea to repel down the porch and then climb back up the wall. Right… As more or less experienced climbers, I went with it although I suggested that maybe they should double check the hooks they were using – they looked like they needed some reinforcement. I also did not succumb to any peer pressure and flat out refused to try. I am daring but not stupid. They repelled down safely and climbed back up, although Gabe was just a bit winded when he finally made it back over the porch railing. When I say a bit, I mean a lot.

I think I’m calm because I do not feel alone. Indeed, part of that is because Gabe and Yosef have joined forces with me and Amichai. But I have felt alone before. I felt so very alone for so many years in my first marriage. It is an inexplicable and intensely unfair experience to feel alone when you are living with a person whom you are meant to share a life. I am not a dramatic person. I recognize that there are tragic and incomprehensible sorrows that people encounter in this world. As I write this, I know there are thousands suffering and I hope I am not minimizing their pain – but being stuck in a difficult, volatile marriage is an experience that will rip apart the grounds on which you stand. It will leave you feeling utterly and totally alone.

It wasn’t about physically being isolated from people that made me feel alone. I went on with my life and life went on around me. I went to work, I took care of Amichai, I talked to my family, I talked to my friends. I had contact with people every day. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that over the course of time, I fell further and further away from me. My home life was cold, unstable, and unforgiving. I knew everything about it was wrong. There were very few moments I ever felt at home in my home. I knew the things that were said to me, the interactions that took place, the behavior displayed – none of it was okay. None of it was acceptable. I knew that I would never allow a family member or friend to stay in such a relationship. I knew I would do everything in my power to physically remove them from that situation. But here I was, staying. Stuck. Tolerating the intolerable. The distance between the person I knew myself to be and the person that was staring me back in the mirror became greater and greater. I was trapped in my mind, an endless stream of distressing thoughts. Should I leave? Leaving is quitting. I can’t quit.  Is staying quitting? Just make a decision. I can’t. The foundations of my own confidence and strength were crumbling beneath me until ultimately – I felt isolated from myself.

I knew who I was, or at least who I had been – I just had no idea how to get back to her.  It was like a wall had been imposed around me. The shadow of myself was stuck on the inside, and me – the person I trusted and believed in, the person I so desperately wanted Amichai to know – she was on the outside. It was too tall to climb over; it was too strong to push down. But here’s the thing – there is a distinction between feeling isolated and being so. Because the truth was, I was never alone. On the other side of that wall where I stood trying to figure out a way to save the shadow trapped on the inside, there stood the people who knew me best, who loved me the most. And they had enough. They began to punch and kick and knock down the wall, bashing it in– creating a path back to me.

I have been stubborn in my life, many times refusing help – I am grateful this was not one those moments. I accepted their help. I accepted their willingness to ease the weight from my shoulders. I accepted their desire to catch a falling friend. The people around me, they cared deeply and profoundly. Our experiences were one and the same – watching your daughter, sister, your ride or die teammate – watching her struggle – it’s the same pain, just a different angle. But they are the people who believed in me. They believed in the power I wielded, and they reminded me of that. They believed that nothing was lost, nothing was destroyed. When I accepted everything that they had to offer and encourage – my confidence returned, my strength returned – I returned. I was never alone

A friend posted on Facebook – Every time you hear the words “unprecedented times,” take a drink. Cheers. These are unprecedented times (cheers again), maybe even dark times. But the optimist in me searches for something beyond the statistics, plummeting market, social distancing and enforced quarantine. We might feel alone, we might feel isolated – but look around. The days we are facing – we are facing them together. We can vent and shout and cry out in one voice because we are experiencing the same thing. We can also encourage and motivate and push each other forward because we understand the shared challenges. It is a rare moment of unity. There people on the other side of that wall. We are not alone. We are not isolated.

Go outside (please not more than 100 meters though). Go to your porch. Go to your back yard or front lawn and see that there are others out there too. Extend a hand…well, don’t do that – but share an understanding grin.

We are all right here.